Yes, Horrible Tour Not Coming to Illinois

I've been spared! Trivium and Whitechapel are not coming to my town!

9/11 – Crazy Donkey – Long Island, NY
9/13 – Town Ballroom – Buffalo, NY
9/15 – Bogarts – Cincinatti, OH
9/17 – Cowboys Bar – Guelph, ON
9/18 – Orbit Room – Grand Rapids, MI
9/19 – The Rave – Milwaukee, WI
9/20 - The Venue – Fargo, ND
9/21 – Electric Park Ballroom – Waterloo, IA
9/23 – Murray Theater – Salt Lake City, UT
9/24 – Wilma Theater – Missoula, MT
9/25 – Wonder Ballroom – Portland, OR
9/26 – Knitting Factory – Spokane, WA
9/28 – The Senator Theater – Chico, CA
9/29 – The Catalyst – Santa Cruz, CA
10/1 – Glasshouse – Pomona, CA
10/2 – Ventura Theater – Ventura, CA
10/3 – House of Blues – Las Vegas, NV
10/7 – Concrete Street Amphitheater - Corpus Christi, TX
10/9 – Music Farm – Charleston, SC
10/10 – Jesters Pub – Fayetteville, NC
10/11 – Orange Peel – Asheville, NC

One Thing That I Realized

There will be a massive year-end list of the 100 best METAL albums of the decade and as I'm composing it, I'm realizing how many bands that I'm adding that have female members. It's strange taht this is happening since metal has always been seen as a macho genre in the 80s or 90s seeing a woman on stage for anything other than sex appeal and novelty would have been unthinkable. The climate is so incredibly different now with regards to gender. And this wasn't something that I even noticed since I thought that the list was going to be a complete sausagefest.

Before anyone asks, Nightwish isn't on my list. They suck.

Motograter Reunite. Suck Waves Threaten To Destroy World

http://www.metalsucks.net/2009/07/27/motorgrater-is-certainly-grating/#comment-267260

Motograter is back. Oh fuck no. I can't believe that I used to listen to this shit.

The only thing that could cancel out the amount of suck waves generated by this reunion would be a reunion with Emperor, After Forever, Light This City and The Nemesis Theory all getting together to have an unprecedented reunion tour to end all reunion tours. Only then will the awesome released into the atmosphere be enough to cancel out the suck generated by this tour.

This reunion tour idea is necessary although highly dangerous to our world since without a significant amount of suck that this will cancel out, the awesome waves generated by this reunion will ressurrect the FUCKING DINOSAURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the plus side, Faith No More are back together and are planning to tour North America later this year.

I'll spare you the pain of seeing a motograter video only so that I can torture you later with Part 4 of Crimes Against Music. (Which is even worse then the first three parts.) Here's some Emperor, who in a just world would be touring instead of Motograter:

The Most Pathetic Thing Ever

I wish I had a picture of this but I forgot to take a pic while I was there. It's the absolute most contemptable way to rip off an artist.

What I'm referring to is pirating a shirt design... with sharpie. So first you don't buy a band's CDs, now you're not buying the shirts since you can make a poor imitation of your own? Thankfully, I've only seen it once and it was a Suicide Silence fan who couldn't stop making out with his girlfriend. This was months ago, but I still can't get that image of a pirated T-shirt out of my head. Then again, I've only met three Suicide Silence fans who have any respectable taste in music so I guess that it reflects upon their fanbase.

So please, it may be cheaper, but don't pirate T-shirts by looking up the shirts online and then sharpieing the words onto a white shirt. It's pathetic and really makes you stand out as the cheap idiot that you are. Anyway, here's a video of the guys from Enslaved pirating a sheep. Now excuse me while I raid my neighbor's fridge before he wakes up.

The Special Edition to End All Special Editions

http://www.cmdistro.com/Item/Winds_Of_Plague_-_-The_Great_Stone_War-_CD_+_Exclusive_T-shirt_+_Bandana_+_Autographed_Photo/PKG000022

Winds of Plague are now releasing a limited edition of their new album that has a T-Shirt, a bandana, and an autographed picture of the band.* This is simply the best limited edition that I've ever seen in my life which makes me very, very pissed that I'm unemployed right now.

And yes, I actually do like this band, and they're not nearly as annoying as their detractors make them seem. And this is coming from a guy who hates 95% of the deathcore he hears, including Between the Buried and Me.


*Despite rumors, the Kristan Randall blow-up doll will NOT be included in the special edition due to a factory shortage. I'm as angry about this as you are.

Metal-Archives Bans for Stupid Reasons

I absolutely love metal-archives.net but today I found that they banned me for the following: making a thread about which album you like but never became catchy to you.

Then again, I can tel that their mods are overeager to ban people since EVERYBODY who's not a mod has 200 of fewer posts at all times. And that people, is the reason why those forums went downhill when they used to be a goldmine for upcoming tour info. Post your stories about asshole mods below.

Slayer and Megadeth tour Austrailia and New Zealand. Skip America Again.

First the Canada tour. Now the greatest tour ever is back, and I'm still missing it. Dates are as Follows:

October 5 - Logan Campbell Centre - Auckland, New Zealand
October 7 - Riverstage - Brisbane, Australia
October 8 - Hordern Pavilion - Sydney, Australia
October 9 - Festival Hall - Melbourne, Australia
October 11 - Thebarton Theatre - Adelaide, Australia
October 13 - Challenge Stadium - Perth, Australia

If the music industry is serious about piracy..

Then they should get rid of any blog that posts a link to rapidshare blogs hosted on this site. Not allowing for ad revenue trough Google isn't enough. These blogs are owned by Blogger and Blogger has the power to shut them down. Hell, they're legally obligated to. The, "I can't find this legally so I need to pirate" argument is hogwash. Here's a mail-order distro site for you:

http://www.theomegaorder.com/

If you pirate and like, then you owe the artist for what you just previewed... Just a thought.

Expecting a LOT of angry flame comments from thirteen-year-old kids engaged in our culture of instant gratification.

I guess that I come from a twenty-one-year-old mindset whereas today's middle schoolers who don't remember the Metallica v. Napster issue and piracy has always been the norm for them. Heading out to a store is seen as begin too slow and mail order for obscure artists is unthinkable. Have I used mail order in the last 12 months? Yes. And my collection of limited editions is better for it. Someday you'll grow up and realize that you actually have to earn a living.

If you're under 15, then this is probably you.

Oh, and for the record, the industry should adopt an industry model where files are free to download and then lock after two weeks, forcing a payment. If you recognize MP3 as a crappy file format, then you can purchase a CD. If you really like the CD, then buy the limited edition. Like that, then purchase a shirt with it. Hell, you can even get the Cd with an ultra-limited vinyl of a live performance.

Artists should turn to asking for donations before they enter the studio. Anyone who donates, get the CD for free. Donate more than $30 and get a free VIP pass when they tour your town.

And yes, this is Trent Reznor's business model for the Ghosts album combined with Peter Dolving's panhandling and a little bit of Radiohead's In Rainbows distro thrown in. Then again, Nine Inch Nails, The Haunted and Radiohead are totally, utterly right and the industry should look at their business plan.

Oh, and let's not forget The Pixies selling their own bootlegs. That was genius. I'm now going to get some actual exercise, something that the spoiled middle-school vampires of today have never heard of. That's right kids, I care about my cardiovascular system and my carpal tunnel has actually been IMPROVING over the past two years. See you later fuckers!

Edit: I renounce this post... because cmdistro and cdbaby are bound to have anything that you can't find on Omage Order. Online Distro is the SHIT! Now use it!

Ridiculous black metal pic of the week!

Most Metal Internet Meme

Insanity Wolf ist krieg

September 15, 2009 will be the most metal day ever!

New releases form Kittie, Dying Fetus, Living Colour, Black Dahlia Murder, Shadows Fall, and FUCKING MEGADETH all releasing new albums on the same day.

You know which one of those bands you owe your allegiance to. (Hint: It starts with an M)

Demi Lovato ist Krieg

Abbath photoshops improve ALL pictures

The new Issue of Rolling Stone came in today and reports that Disney Channel star Demi Lovato is a huge fan of extreme metal. Further investigation (i.e. looking right at Metalsucks five minutes later and getting lucky) revealed that she likes bands like Job for a Cowboy and Dimmu Borgir. This is the kind of news that requires a hastily done photoshop job with Abbath's facepaint. Need Proof:

http://www.metalsucks.net/2009/07/24/demi-lovato-loves-metal/#comments

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1593780/20080828/lovato__demi.jhtml

That's right, a sixteen-year-old teen icon is into JFaC. And she also said to MTV that she'd like to be a guest vocalist for a metal band. If this doen'st imspire complete and utter dread in your heart that she might guest on the upcoming Dark Tranquillity and Triptykon albums (since Niklas Sundin and Tom Warrior love female session vocalists) then you simply need to GTFO.

...On the other hand, I'd love to see her guest on some brutal death metal or norsecore band's album. Just imagine her popping up on an Origin or Marduk album. That would be total ROFLage! I wouldn't call it good, but I never said that I didn't occasionally listen to the most awful crap that I can find in an ironic/masochistic way.

Blabbermouth Makes a Post About KISS

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=124157

OMFG! Blabbermouth reported on a story about KISS! This is fucking real! Wow, this is the most breaking news EVER!!!!!!!!!!!1

Vampire Freaks Interview with Nergal of Behemoth

http://vampirefreaks.com/playvideo/?v=105607

In case you didn't know, I'm a huge fan of Evangelion. Watch this to hear Nergal's thoughts about downloading.

Dark Tranquillity have new DVD release date!

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=124133

DT's previous DVD featured a rather apathetic audience so hopefully this one will be better. And as far as their new studio album is concerned, it's probably going to rock since this is one band who has NEVER let me down.

Crimes Aganst Music Pt. 3

Oh god, it's happening again. He's subjecting us to more shitty music.

Imagine Brokencyde. Now imagine the very, very few things that were good about that band being taken away and replaced with a solo "musician." This people, is your new nightmare. This is Dot Dot Curve :)

Dot Dot Curve

He apparently records his vocals through a webcam mic which I can tell from the heavy distortion during the screams. Even so, I still prefer the high webcam distortion to his horrible attempts at whiny rapping. Oh, and the vocoder effects are often present not only when he's singing but when he's rapping as well. He sure is talented...

And don't let me get started on the lyrics. Nothing is all that memorable because it's a series of horrible moments all strung together. I remember fragments of his lyrics and they all make me cringe yet somehow I know that there is a crunkcore fan out there who takes to heart everything that Dot Dot Curve :) (a.k.a. Spanky although Eminem already beat him to the two pseudonym thing almost a decade earlier) says to heart and that, my friends is why AMERICA IS DOOMED!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, since he's a description of an emoticon followed by the emoticon itself, here are some suggested names for crunkcore bands

Dot Dot Reverse Curve :(

Silly Face :P

My Lips are sealed :X

ROFL XD

Ima firin mah lazor :U

I don't even know what the fuck this is, it just looks cool XU


And let's not forget...

Winston Churchill!
_██_
(ಠ_ృ)

Here's a video (this guy has damaged the reputation of Metalica more than St. Anger ever could)

Funny Because it's True

yourscenesucks.com

I go to an art school (formerly creative writing, now game design) and I can tell you that I see all of these guys IRL all the fucking time. I especially like the "br00tal kid" since the deathcore crowd truly, honestly doesn't like get real metal. Like the one guy that I met earlier this year who I told to check out Carcass before they played at The Pearl Room and he responded that they were just, "okay" despite wearing Whitechapel shirts all the time.

I'm sure that we'll soon see the red-fro stoner, short-haired hoodie wearer (complete with wallet chain), rainbow-haired indie pop girl, the flaming gay guy who isn't gay but just trying to out people since he's just making an ironic statement, and of course who can forget the long-haired metal blogger guy (with camo shorts, metal T-shirt, and black running shoes; in the winter it's knaki cargo pants and a beat up hand-me-down flannel shirt over said metal shirt). That latter one is so fucking annoying.

My least favorite type of hipster. I can tell that he's an elitist opinionated bastard.

¡Viva la suffocación!

Just like Testament used in 1990, you too can hire mysterious cloaked figures for the low cosst of OVER $9000. Just dial 1-800-clo-aks1

The correct word is asfixia, and I'm fully aware that this is broken Spanish. Don't like it? Fuck you. Oh, and Blood Oath is the best record that Suffocation have made since Pierced from Within.

I'm personally not a fan of the brutal death metal subgenre since bands like Devourment and Dying Fetus simply bore me (and are responsible for deathcore) although Suffocation has always had something different about them and by that I mean they understand the importance atmosphere instead of treating brutal death metal as a race to see who can tune their guitars the lowest.

Whereas a band like Whitechapel plays a breakdown that sounds like nothing more than chugging on some power chords, a Suffocation breakdown feels ominous, like something is sneaking up behind you, truly capturing the b-horror aesthetics of death metal in ways that few other bands seem to be capable of understanding. This is the way that breakdowns should be incorporated into death metal and most deathcore bands could learn a thing of two from this band.

As far as technical skill goes, Terrance Hobbes proves why he's one of the best metal guitarists to have ever lived. His riffs are technically without being overly wanky while his solos are complex in composition without being overly shreddy. Then again, Suffocation are the progenitors of tech metal, so it's naturel that they'd have a lot more substance to them than Dragonfore could ever have. Not that Dragonfore is crap by any... oh who am I kidding, Dragonfore is fucking garbage. Anybody up looking for something tech that isn't polluted by studio magic or some death meta with breakdowns should look no further.

8/10

Crimes Aganst Music Pt. 2

A second band that is somehow utterly popular despite sucking unfathomable amounts of jizz (in this quite quite literally) is Millionaires. Remember how concerned parents everywhere were worried about how Bratz dolls were going to be horrible role models for girls, making them into promiscuous and materialistic women when they grew up? it tunrs out that for once, against the very laws of the universe, the overprotective parents of America were finally, actually right.

These are three young women who's lives revolve around getting drunk until they puke, being excessively snobbish upper-middle class suburban girls raised with silver spoons in their mouths, and having sex with anything possessing a penis. Now before the "OMG SLUTZ!" effect kicks in, keep in mind that only one of them is hot and all three of them are the shallow, selfish, deceptively cruel, materialistic, rich, overly judgemental type that is so far away from what I or any man with class is attracted to that any comments about how their promiscuity might potentially be a turn on will have their comments deleted.

Anyway, I'll admit that I like beer (I personally like Smithwicks, Sapporo, and Labatt) and I like sex but I'm not a fan of hooking up with the first person that I see when I'm horny, nor do I ever drink more than two beers at a time and this type of accessible pop music that appeals to middle school girls simply sends the wrong message to today's youth. People should actually know their sexual partners and learn to moderate their drinking because we live in a world where 80% of people have herpes simplex (with 70% of those infected not knowing that they're infected) and one third of all pregnancies are unintended.

http://www.news-medical.net/news/2007/05/10/24981.aspx

http://www.coloradohfriends.com/html/stats.html

Now unintended pregnancy is a serious issue. Thankfully, I'll never get pregnant but I've heard that women who have abortions suffer from severe lifelong depression as an after-effect. Living in a sex-crazed society combined with Christianity being the most dominant religion (and one that teaches that condoms are the spawn of Satan) has made this an unavoidable problem.

As far as alcoholism is concerned, the CDC reports that in 2006 addiction to alcohol caused 22,073 deaths. Promotion of excessive drinking will only lead to more cases of addiction and thus more annual deaths.

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/alcohol.htm

Now why was this in any way relevant? Because it proves, once and for all, that this band will be be the death of America. If you truly love your country, you will do all that you can to ensure that this band's tours are sabotaged in one way or another (using legal means). If worst comes to worst, please pay this bnad to NOT go play at venues or pay fans to skip the show.

And it's bands like this that ensure that I will never have children since there are simply far too many negative massages directed at a younger audience today. Seriously, does anybody over the age of fifteen listen to music this poppy?

If you really want to hear how bad this band is, be my guest (caution: May destroy America):

Crimes Aganst Music Pt. 1

You know those times that something so perfectly karmic happens that you begin to ask yourself if there truly is a perfectly just omnipotent God? Then you realize that suck thoughts are utter hogwash and go back to worshipping the much more badass Aztec gods and sacrifice some random fucker in pennance for my blasphemy. Anyway, there is something very, very telling about this picture:
Two of the members of brokeNCYDE are balding since they try to look like they're fifteen despite being more in the 22-24 range. Yes people, this is what happens to scene "kids" once they reach adulthood. Most people who were scene in high school give up the "lifestyle" upon maturing, women's haircuts and all making brokeNCYDE a prime exhibit in schadenfreude. Well, they already were, they're just more so now.

And judging by the fan pics on thier Myspace, their core audience is fourteen-year-old girls, making brokeNCYDE's fashion sense the mark of the obvious pedophile. Think about it, a bunch of guys with lyrics like, "Oh baby girl I see your photos on myspace. You look so beautiful. So what I gotta do to take you to my place so you can be my booty girl." playing to a bunch of underage girls while pretty much openly stating that they started the band to get laid and dressing like the guys that your teenage daughter likes. Seriously, brokeNCYDE are like that creepy hermit neighbor with the beard that your parents didn't want you talking to and one day was escorted along with his computer into an FBI van.

I could get into how their music also sucks, but odds are that if you aren't a fourteen-year-old girl then you're probably not going to listen to them and your life will be better off for it, but in case you're wondering, they're what happens when you take crunk rap and add screamo and occasional death metal elements to it. Their lack of talent best exemplified by the fact that they have three vocalists, only one of which sings and that's with autotune effects, the other guy both raps and screams, then they also have their DJ do the grunts. In other words, these guys all collectively sound like one mildly talented individual. Correction, one mildy talented individual, a light and smoke machine technician who somehow counts as an actual member and not a roadie and a mascot in a pig suit that was probably stolen form their old high school's football team.

All of their lyrics are about using drugs and alcohol to get women intoxicated so that they're easy to take advantage of combined with lines like, "You make my peepee hard." Now I enjoy bands with songs like Fucked with a Knife and Skin her Alive. The difference being that if members of Cannibal Corpse and Dismember actually did what they sang about, they would quickly be put in prison and the lyrics come directly from horror movies whereas brokeNCYDE have a real sincerity to their lyrics that combined with the fact that date rape is a far more difficult crime to prove as well as much more widespread than mutilating your ex, makes them that much more creepy than any gore-drenched death metal band could ever hope to be. Or if you're one of those people who thinks that black metal started to suck when bands stopped burning churches, know that the brokeNCYDE is currently slipping underage girls roofies today, as in right now! With real roofies!

And the members of the band can't seem to take a hint that they suck and the way that they conduct themselves in interviews makes me think that they are easily perpetually stoned or suffering from minor mental retardation. The reality is probably a combination of both.



See what I mean?

Now if you truly want to subject yourself to this, I'll give it to you, but don't say that I didn't warn you. In the meantime, I'm ging to hammer a screwdriver into my scrotum. That will probably be more fun.

Santa! No, it's John Cambell!!!

When you're 36 and look 55 due to your hair, that's when it's time to pull out the razor and shave the fucking beard. That or get a job as a mall Santa.

In case you're wondering, Per Moller Jensen shaved his beard when he went gray to avoid the dreaded "Metal Santa" Phenomenon.

I can't believe that I actually waited over a year for this

Warning: Cool Album Art Does Not Make for a Good Album

This Was the Real Cover. Record Labels Rejected It

I'll first let it be known that I'm a huge Ray Herrera fan. The man is easily one of the best drummers alive today and that's what makes Arkaea's Years in the Darkness so absolutely painful to listen to. He simply deserves better than this. Especially now given that Dino has stolen his real band away from him and left Ray with this sub-par side project.

This album is mostly comprised of half-finished Fear Factory songs that seem to lack so much of what made Fear Factory such a good band to begin with. It's just missing something that made Fear factory so memorable. The other half of the album tries to come up with more original ideas... and fails. There simply isn't much to like about this album aside from the drumming which is far from Herrera's best.

Maybe this wouldn't be as intolerable if Jon Howard's singing voice didn't sound exactly like CHester Bennington of Linkin Park. And for the record, he can sing in a different voice as heard in the track Lucid Dreams, making me wonder why he chooses to sound like the singer of a band that nobody will admit to have once liked. He should either stick to his non-Chester voice or just scream his head off since he's still a good screamer, yet his whiny Linkin Park impersonation just sounds bad and in 2009, it has the same effect as somebody trying to sound like Jim Gillette in 1997 and for Jon Howard to not realize how cringe-inducing his voice sounds- while at the same time having better vocal options- is simply unforgivable.

A few cool riffs aside, this album blows and ruined every expectation that I had. And I really, truly wanted this band to rule so that a fat asshole could be put in his place. Avoid at all costs.

4/10

In Soviet Russia, band petition you!

Russia jokes aside, there's a petition online to get Arkona to play on next year's North American Paganfest. There are only 18 signatures at this point in time. Sign this shit so that we don't get another party folk band like Korpiklanni playing next year.

http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/Arkonapaganfest2010

Epica, DAAth and Blackguard to tour early next year

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=123899

If this news isn't giving you the same facial expression as Simone Simons of Epica, then you simply aren't human

Not a bad band on this bill. Epica completely rules and Blackguard are probably the best Bodom-clone around.

Dates are as follows:
Jan. 26 - Jaxx - West Springfield, VA
Jan. 27 - Trocadero Theater - Philadelphia, PA
Jan. 29 - The Blender Theatre at Gramercy - New York, NY
Jan. 30 - The Palladium - Worcester, MA
Jan. 31 - Club Soda - Montreal, Quebec - CANADA
Feb. 01 - MOD Club - Toronto, Ontario - CANADA
Feb. 03 - Peabody's - Cleveland, OH
Feb. 04 - The Pearl Room - Mokena IL
Feb. 05 - The Rave - Milwaukee, VI
Feb. 06 - Station 4 - St. Paul, MN
Feb. 08 - Royal Albert Arms - Winnipeg, Manitoba - CANADA
Feb. 10 - Starlite Room - Edmonton, Alberta - CANADA
Feb. 11 - Warehouse - Calgary, Alberta - CANADA
Feb. 13 - Sugar Nightclub - Victoria, B.C. - CANADA
Feb. 14 - El Corazon - Seattle, WA
Feb. 15 - Hawthorne Theater - Portland, OR
Feb. 17 - Slim's - San Francisco, CA
Feb. 18 - Key Club - West Hollywood, CA
Feb. 19 - U.B.'s Bar - Mesa, AZ
Feb. 20 - The Rock - Tucson - Tucson, AZ
Feb. 22 - Bluebird Theater - Denver, CO
Feb. 23 - Marquee - Tulsa, OK
Feb. 24 - Scout Bar - Houston, TX
Feb. 25 - Scout Bar - San Antonio, TX
Feb. 27 - Volume 11 - Raleigh, NC
Feb. 28 - The Masquerade - Atlanta, GA

Is anyone seriously NOT psyched for this?

"We Couldn't Agree on a Title," the new album by Killswitch Engage

Jaguar 1: Doesn't is suck how anyone who got a new PC will be stuck with us as the artwork for the band's first album?
Jaguar 2: Who gives a crap? We look fucking sweet!




I have a love/hate relationship with Killswitch Engage. On one hand, the band is responsible for killing metalcore by introducing clean choruses into songs. At the same time, they aren't anywhere nearly as annoying as their imitators.

Anyway, Killswitch Engage's second self-titled album (I have no idea what Adam D. was thinking when he did this) doesn't really rock the boat, picking up right where As Daylight Dies left off and continuing their musical progression towards a yet more melodic sound, not that this is a bad thing since Howard Jones has always had an impressive signing voice. If your idea of metalcore is Converge, then this album probably isn't for you. For those who long for the days when Iron Maiden and Dio were the the face of metal, this is the album that you've been waiting for with melodic riffs and vocal hooks abound without ever descending into power metal cheesiness, making the album accessible without overdoing it, like Rhapsody of Fire does. (I fully apologize to Rhapsody of Fire fans. I'm deeply sorry that your favorite band sucks.)

Even thoguh the album doesn't change much about KSE's sound and Brendan O'Brien's production doesn't fit the band's sound as well as their self-produced albums have, it's still a good listen, but one for the fans only.

7/10

Worst New Trend: Neck Tats

In four years, the longest lasting legacy of deathcore will be the neck tattoo if only because it will be the only remnant of the mostly crap genre left. By the time that this happens, any nostalgia will be canceled out by the fact that many of these guys will be fired from their day jobs the second that neck tats are no longer trendy. Let's have a look at the tomorrow's burnt-out losers:
Oli Sykes of Bring Me the Horizon proves that neck tats are as sexy as non-consensual gonlden showers.


Mitch Lucker needs to, "Wake up! Wake up!" and realize that his neck tats suck as much as his band.


Maria Brink butchered Iron Maiden's Run to the Hills with her awful, "singing." Now she butchers her neck.

Let me state this warning to anyone who wants a neck tattoo. The only guy who can get away with this is Kerry King because Slayer sells out arenas across the world and when not touring, he's a successful self-employed snake breeder. You are most likely not Kerry King. Don't get a fucking neck tattoo unless you want to be homeless when this trend finally and thankfully dies.

Project Hate is Worthy of Love

Look Ma! No head!

The Project Hate often came across as a band who had all of the elements of a great band but something always felt missing about them that I could never quite put my finger on. Yes, their sound was groundbreaking and they had an impressive lineup but I'm not sure what was missing. Whatever it was, they found it on The Lustrate Process.

The Lustrate Process features the highest number of quality riffs this side of Time Does Not Heal while always maintaining a grunching groove. The song lengths being every bit as long as Dream Theater's while never becoming boring or losing my attention, making TLP similar to Immortal's At the Heart of Winter if it had catchy sung choruses.

As far as the production goes, everything is audible, particularly the bass which sounds like heavy machinery pounding away through your speakers without taking any of the power away from the guitars or vocals, making this one of the best sounding records that I've heard in a long time. Those looking for a kickass death metal record need look no further.

9/10

Job for a Cowboy Finally Delivers With Ruination

Get me a moist towelette! I stuck my finger up my ass and I can't feel my legs!

I used to be one of the Job for a Cowboy haters ever since I heard the song Entombment of a Machine. I hated the pig squeals, I hated the scene-cuts, and I hated the influence that it had on the numerous JfaC clones that made Doom seem like Mozart.

...then I saw them live. They were opening for Megadeth and I surely wasn't there to see the progenitors of the deathcore blight that is currently plaguing metal. I never expected to become a convert. Then again, I've never seen a band win over a crowd that hostile that fast. The fact that I was shouting, "Freebird " at them after their first song and then joining in one of the two circle pits by the end of their set made me realize how much these guys absolutely rule. And I could tell that I wasn't alone given that the crowd was silent for the first half of their set and then cheering them on for the second.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I've always felt that JfaC never lived up to their potential. Yes, they are great live and yes, they can play their instruments, but Doom was horrible and Genesis just felt like the band was still learning how how to write songs but it was enough of a step in the right direction that I felt like they were still worth keeping an eye on. Then Ravi left and was replaced with Al Glassman of Despised Icon. Fears that JfaC might return to their deathcore sound due to his addition made me aprehensive about listening to Ruination but thankfully, Jonny Davy- being the sole remaining member- is smart enough to know that the deathcore trend will one day die and wisely chose to make Ruination the album that Genesis tried to be.

The solos are longer, the riffs more technical, the screams form Doom are brought back, and John Rice's debut as drummer isn't the blastfest that I expected due to the tempos being far more varied than they were on Genesis. At the same time, the band still continues everything that was good about Genesis, allowing this to still be a far more accessible album than something that Origin would put out but never as accessible as Bolt Thrower (this is by death metal standards, normal people will still die upon contact with Ruination). It's not a classing by any means but it's the first Job for a Cowboy album that's worth purchasing and it stays an enjoyable listen throughout. Make sure to keep an eye on their career and check them out live if you get the chance but don't expect Ruination to blow your mind.

8/10

Ridiculous black metal pic of the week!

Marduk Release New Cover Art

This is worth the price of the album for the cover art alone. Think of how many small children you can traumatize with this.

Cryogenic experiment from the 80s is released

Discuss

And apologies to bringbackglam.com

Pure Awesome

If you don't worship this then you officially suck at life.

Dismember - Of Fire Live 2008

That is all

Things That Will Never Happen

It's come to my attention that certain things will never, ever happen in the realm of metal. The following events will trigger a physical paradox that will consume the universe just like the Large Hadron Collider did last autumn:

1. Frank Mullen and Peter Dolving will stop using their bands to bitch about their divorce issues.
2. Fans of Chris Barnes and Dimitri Minakakis shutting up and realizing that both Dillinger and Cannibal will never bring them back into the band.
3. Fans of Chris Barnes and Dimitri Minakakis actually being right about them being better than Corpsegrinder and Greg Puciato.
4. Exodus gets a vocalist who doesn't utterly suck.
5. OMGZ! New At Teh Gatez sudio album!!!!!1!!!!1!!!1!!!one!
6. White Zombie Reunion is both real and doesn't have it's info added to Wikipedia from an April Fool's Joke that I posted in Metal-Archives.com
7. Underoath returns to making quality music.
8. KoRn plays a song that uses more than the first four frets on the guitar.
9. Primordial release a bad album.
10. Rob Darken goes to Harlem.

If any of these things happen, then I'm going to a pet shop to buy a flying pig.

I Was Just Anaaly Violated... And I Liked It

Imagine yourself walking down a crowded city street when you feel the presence of something ominous, you don't know what it is but it's definately something very, very big and very, very dangerous. Suddenly all goes quiet as everyone around you begins to focus on their shared sense of dread. It is at that point where you hear this presense announce itself... and then all hell breaks loose. This people, is only the first one minute and eight seconds of the new Anaal Nathrakh album In The Constellation of the Black Widow.

It's at this moment that any fears that AN may have finally lost their touch after releasing five previous mind-blowing releases this decade are laid to rest as Dave Hunt and mich Kenney beat you senseless with ridiculous speed and some of the most inhumanly extreme shrieks that I've ever heard in my life. That's before the melodic riff kicks in at 1:45 and leads into yet another of Dave's operatic choruses, showing off every aspect that I love about this band in less than two minutes.

For those unfamiliar with Anaal Nathrakh, they are the band that brought heavy metal kicking and screaming into the new millennium with The Codex Necro which single handedly made Marduk sound like Raffi. To this date, I still have yet to find a band within the metal genre heavier than them that's more than directionless noise for its own sake. (Intestinal Disgorge counts as enjoyable but their sound leaves so much to be desired in terms of artistic credibility.) If this sounds in any way intimidating to you, then you should probably not listen to Anaal Nathrakh. It also means that you're a complete pussy.

Musically, In the Constellation of the Black Widow features fewer tracks with clean choruses than their last two releases- only appearing in four out of ten tracks- and a hell of a lot more speed. That isn't to say that there aren't catchy parts to tracks like Oil Upon the Sores of Lepers and I am the Wrath of Gods and the Desolation of the Earth, it's just that ItCotBW is significantly less melodic than previous albums although there are plenty of melodic riffs and solos throughout the record but just enough to please the fans that they gained with their Domine Non Es Dignus and later Material.

As good as the entirety of ItCotBW is, there's one track that deserves special attention. That track is called... Satanarchist. Those familiar with the band's history will recognize this as an old track from their second demo and it's a beast. Whereas Anaal Nathrakh's is occasionally melodic, this is the only song of theirs that I'd consider to be beautiful. Don't get me wrong, Dave is still screaming his head off throughout the entire song, but Mick's riffs are just filled with so much passion and atmosphere that you you immediately stop rocking out and start actually soaking up each and every note played. Eventually the song begins to climax at atround the three minute mark and then Mick begins playing a riff so unexpectedly resplendent that comparisons to Pantera's Floods are inevitable. In fact, the combination of beauty and ugliness intertwining is the very essence of black metal that so many bands today don't seem to grasp.

The song also holds a special place in my heart since it continues Anaal Nathrakh's tradition of songs that reference philosophy and literature, in this case G.K. Chesterton's The Man Who Was Thursday, perhaps the greatest novel to have been destroyed by it's final two chapters and also contains my absolute favorite depiction of Satan in any work, even more so than the one in Goethe's Faust. For those of you wondering who Chesterton's Satanarchist is, I'll provide a quote, "To abolish God!" said Gregory, opening the eyes of a fanatic. "We do not only want to upset a few despotisms and police regulations; that sort of anarchism does exist, but it is a mere branch of the Nonconformists. We dig deeper and we blow you higher. We wish to deny all those arbitrary distinctions of vice and virtue, honour and treachery, upon which mere rebels base themselves. The silly sentimentalists of the French Revolution talked of the Rights of Man! We hate Rights as we hate Wrongs. We have abolished Right and Wrong." If that quote doesn't move you in some way, shape or form, then you simply aren't human.

Anaal Nathrakh deserves the title of band of the decade, and this record has done nothing to upset their previous five-release winning streak. Few bands can match aggression, intelligence, and composition the way that AN do and if you've liked any of their previous albums, then this is yet another must-buy.

9/10

How to Troll on Blabbermouth Effectively

Blabbermouth is proof that if you ban racist, sexist and homophobic comments then people will find new ways to be assholes. Given that half of the posters on that site are either trolls or the kind of guys who only like the first demo by the most obscure Ugandan black metal bands, who, by the way, have all broken up by now lest they commit the sins of selling out by making a second demo or (gasp) come from an industrialized nation.

Given that only those types of people exist on Blabbermouth, it's time that there should be the definitive guide to trolling that site since you apparently seem to gain credibility there by doing so unlike every single other website in existence. Here are 21 steps to become a better blabbertroll.

1. Tell them that a certain member of the band being discusses was replaced by a session musician in the studio and that they use a DAT machine live.
2. State flat out that thrash has always sucked and that only death and black metal are good
3. Complain that the current story isn't yet another redundant post about Kiss.
4. State that Varg Vikernes is an ideological ally but that Burzum sucks without being overtly racist in your language to avoid being modded.
5. Say that Lars is the coolest member of Metallica
6. Post about how the third and fourth Machine Head albums were their best.
7. Post about how Papa Roach started off as extremely metal and are now the most metal band in existence
8. Give a vague reason for disliking Suffocation or God Forbid while also praising Satanic Warmaster and Graveland in equally vague language.
9. Mention how Killswitch Engage made metalcore a much better genre.
10. Write about how the new In Flames albums are far better than the first five.
11. Call Anaal Nathrakh directionless noise or call Sunn O))) boring.
12. Downplay Randy Rhodes' and Chuck Schuldiner's influence and guitar skills.
13. Call Glen Benton a hero and mention how you totally take him seriously in some capacity or another.
14. Turn a Behemoth thread into an old vs. new fight
15. Talk about how disappointed you are that Orphaned Land is making a new album since you just got around to using them in what were once your Guns and Roses Jokes.
16. Create a rumor that Vorph or Kerry King is now a born-again Christian
17. Call Devin Townsend or Primordial emotionless hacks
18. Lie that you learned that a member of a certain band is a convicted rapist
19. Make a statement about metal dying in 1993
20. Make the entirety of your post a the above poster's name as the title and then link to a sage image like so: http://ownedirl.com/magic/sage.jpg
21. Call Blabbermouth a haven for obnoxious trolls that go completely unpunished.

Rotting Christ Prepare New Album

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=97276699&blogId=493998772

Rotting Christ, a Greek band with a name that is best described as blasphemous, although some would argue that it more resembles madness. Madness...? This is AN OVERDONE GREEK JOKE!!!!!!!!!! (Kicks some random guy down a well.)

Sorry, I just had to do it.

Anyway, the Tolis brothers are now recording their follow up to Theogonia to be released next January and if past albums have been any indication, then this album is going to rock given that Rotting Christ are one of the most consistent bands that I've ever listened to. Oh, and Sakis Tolis is still one of the greatest riff writers within the black metal scene, which (with any luck) will lead to thier new album being chock full of melodic goodness.

And for those of you unfamiliar with Rotting Christ, they're the best melodic black metal this side of Immortal... Or you can call them the best melodic black metal band to not wear corpsepaint or other forms of ridiculous costuming in which which case they're the undisputed kings due to a lack of competition. Here's a video of them playing in 2007:

Good News! Evengelion Kicks Ass!

Oops! Wrong Evangelion!


That's better!




You know those moments when a band that you previously thought was kind of boring releases a solid and consistent slab of goodness? I'll admit that I previously thought that Behemoth had a few good songs but were a very hit-or-miss band for me. In fact, I used to agree with a friend of mine who once described them as, "a bunch of corpsepainted weenies." Damn, I was totally fucking wrong.

Okay, I'll also admit that I didn't listen to very much Behemoth in the past, but the only two songs of theirs that I really liked were Chant for Eschaton 2000 and Slaves Shall Serve. Songs like Conquer All, Antichristian Phenomenom, and At the Left Hand ov God simply didn't do it for me. At the same time, isn't a band supposed to release their best song as a single?

On Evangelion, Behemoth has finally focused their sound, and by that, I mean play songs that are as fast and heavy as they can make them. This album explodes right from the beginning and doesn't slow down until the atmospheric closing track.

Wheather it's the chorus of Daimonos - "All hail Dionysus!" is certain to become a frequent scream along at concerts- or the sheer heaviness of the main riff in He Who Breeds Pestilence or the solo in The Seed of I, this album is a fucking screwdriver hammered into your forehead that simply never relents until it feels that it's done with you. Check it out. or you're missing out.

8/10

Ridiculous black metal pic of the week!

Every Friday I'm going to upload one totally out of place black metal pic just for kicks. Schadenfreude is fun

Metal Church break up. (Tumbleweed blows by)

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=13215620&blogId=498997561

Metal church have broken up despite having an extremely dated sound. It may just be me but I can't stand thrash bands who use high wailing voices. Megadeth is the cleanest that I'll allow thrash vox to get, regardless of the quality of the riffs (Susperia, Testament and Overkill are exceptions). Yes people, I don't like Anthrax, Agent Steel, Kreator or Vio-Lence. I don't have a problem with power or glam metal bands, but if you're going to play fast and agressive music, then you need a voice with fucking balls, somebody like James Hetfield or Tom Angelripper.

Apparently they couldn't get anyone to sponsor their tours outside of their record label (which is currently bankrupt) since their sound is dated as fuck. Hell, their final show was the Rocklahoma Open Air which was practically an elephant graveyard for bands that nobody gives a crap about anymore. I'll admit that Overkill and Twisted Sister are fucking sweet but if you actually think that they are in any way relevant to today's metal scene then you're living under a rock.* Now if I grew up in the 80s, I might think that this festival was actually worth going to simply due to the nostalgia factor but I was born in 1987. Nostalgia to me would be the awful nu metal bands that I got into around the turn of the millennium, and having watched Limp Bizkit and KoRn's sets at Download, I can flat out state that my fond memories of those years have been defiled by the harsh reality that those bands sucked massive amounts of donkey cock.

Now even though I've been slamming MC, I will admit that they had some quality riffs and there were a lot of people who still liked them, even if they were all over the age of forty. Let this be a lesson to those of you who no longer pay for music, indie labels are likely to fall before the majors and if you want to keep the underground alive, then you should at least purchase the music that you've downloaded and liked. Granted, there could have been tour sponsors other than their record label, but there simply wasn't any money to be made in the Metal Church name anymore, leaving no room for outside assistance. So kids, buy the albums that you like or those artists will go away... and knowing is half the battle.

*Pryor, Oklahoma

Ultimate Poser Blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!one!!!!!!!

First off, I'm tired of sending all of my metal-related news to other blogs only to have them not publish it. Secondly, it's time for a music blog completely free of any sarcasm whatsoever.* Besides, this can actually help me BOOK interviews rather than rely on chance meetings/sneaking backstage.

Anyway, feel free to post your snarky comments about how you hate every band that I write about. This is the internet, where it's never okay to like anything without attracting the wrong kind of attention.




* If you believe this then you're a fucking retard. Look at the name of the blog and tell me how I could possibly not be a sarcastic asshole.