Monday, August 10, 2009

Crimes Against Music Part IV: Damien Storm

Oh fuck no. Apparently this guy has been at it since 1993 and doesn't know when to stop torturing us. Yes, B-horror is totally metal. Look no further than White Zombie and Cannibal Corpse for confirmation of that. But this is by far one of the worst one-man bands ever devised.

Imagine a good but not great and fairly unimaginative guitarist playing neanderthal drum beats and performing the absolute most annoying vocals imaginable. Falsettos went out fo style in around 1992, but Damien has dedicated his career to bringing them back. I wouldn't have a problem if he was performing an adequate King Diamond impersonation but he's not. In fact, he sounds like a five-year-old girl.

And the half-assed "horror themes" are simply terrible and the phallic Halloween masks that he wears would even make Slipknot wince. I'm all for cheesy monster flicks like The Monolith Monsters or Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, but this guy seems to have a persona that's less Godzilla and more Torgo.

As far as self-promotion goes. His website is very, very 1996. As in, it looks like a simple Geocities page. The sad part is that there graphic designers aren't hard to find but it done'st look like there's a single one who'll take poor Damien seriously.

Unfortunately, this guy's CDs are going to be rerealeased along with a live DVD on Phil Anselmo's own record label. I get that Phil has always bee a total junkie but Phil must have been really, really, really high to sign this guy/five-year-old girl.

If you don't believe me that his voice is truly that awful, you can here it for yourself by veiwing the video below (not recommended. This is more annoying than Soulja Boy.)

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