Have You Seen This Man?

Zoltan Bathory of Five Finger Death Punch has gone missing. He was last seen drinking with fans in Las Vegas. If you've seen this man, please notify the FBI.

Anyway, Let's talk about what may have happened to this guy.

Theory 1: Spontaneous human Combustion

He was drinking. Alcohol is flammable. It's very possible that his body may have set itself on fire. Of course, if this happened, then all that my be left is his skull. It's scary to think about, I know, but spontaneous combustion could happen to you.

What to do if you spontaneously combust?

Stop, drop and roll

Get in some water

Cryogenically freeze yourself


2. Ninjas

If this man is never found, then its safe to say that the ninjas got him. Ninjas leave no trace of themselves. They're masters of disguise who nobody alive today has claimed to see. The ninja threat is real. They're everywhere and are behind the disappearance of your socks. If they can make one sock out of a pair disappear once you put it in the washer, then abducting a human is no problem for them.


3. Alien Abduction
If this happened, then he's probably very, very far away now. On the plus side, he gets to see some really cool things that we'd never encounter on Earth and if he dies on their planet it'll probably be like this:





4. Eaten by a Walrus



The most likely scenario. The man eating walrus is native to the Las Vegas area and is known to have a taste for human flesh. If he is not found within one week, then it's common practice for the stool of any and all walruses to be inspected for human remains. Hopefully it didn't come to this most agonizing and traumatic death.