New Samael Video Posted

Finally, Above - one of the most difficult and challenging but still musically straightforward records of the year - gets its own video.

SAMAEL - Black Hole


If you haven't heard Above yet, then you really need to give it a listen. It's one of the best albums of the year.

Scary Thought That I Had

Between the low grows and autotune effects, Attack Attack could theoretically cover Chant for Eschaton 2000. Apologies for giving you nightmares.

Arch Enemy - The Root of All Evil

How did this go wrong? This was supposed to be an improvement with the same songs from the first three albums but without Johan Liiva fucking them up. This has the worst mix that I've heard since Death Magnetic. The guitar tone is way too clean for Arch Enemy and the drums are way louder than everything else.

Fredrick Nordstrom should have been in the mixing room instead of Andy Sneap. All of the power of previous albums has been stripped away. But hey, at least I can hear the bass, except its too muddy to for me to tell what notes are being played which is in contrast to the uber clarity of everything else. The only thing keeping me from flying to the UK and punching Andy Sneap in the face is the fact that I'm still a Sabbat fan.

Granted, this isn't the band's fault. It's completely the fault of the mixer. The guitar tone doesn't even sound natural. It has a thick layer of gloss over it that takes away from the crunch that Arch Enemy needs. It's overproduction at its finest to the point where I'd rather listen to these songs with Johan. It's just maddening that an album with such potential is ruined by a record producer. It's now time for me to break out a certain article by Jack Endino who produced the last High on Fire record: http://www.endino.com/archive/arch4-0.html

And even though I said that I would never punch Andy Sneap in the face, that says nothing about you. If you live in the UK and you see this man, please punch him for me. Thanks.



4/10

Edit: I just learned that Unearth's The March was also mixed by Andy Sneap, who apparently also fucked their guitar tone. Seriously, for any UK readers, you live in Europe. Do what Europeans do best and descend upon this guy's house as a pitchfork wielding mob.

Winds of Plague Annouce California Love Tour

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=127624

Problem. Hypocrisy and Blackguard are playing the same night. I'll have to weigh the pros and cons here. I'm not a fan of Ensiferum and their headlining the Hypocrisy/Blackguard tour. Winds of Plague have some REALLY shitty support acts. Winds of Plague have some really great T-shirts. Hypocrisy probably won't be back for another three years. Winds of Plague are cheaper. Hypocrisy is closer. Winds of Plague are playing at a smaller venue so I will probably land an interview. Winds of Plague are also playing at at venue at the border of Orland Park and Tinley Park while Hypocrisy are downtown.

Decisions, decisions. (I'll probably go with Hypocrisy)

Marduk - Wormwood

You think this is scary?




This was the original cover



Those fearing (or in some cases hoping) that the newfound maturity of ROM 5:12 would be abandoned on subsequent releases will have spent their time worrying over nothing. The norsecore days of old are gone. Not that they weren't enjoyable, but I personally really love the new grown up Marduk.

The real difference between the two eras are that the old Marduk is kind of like that girl that you liked back in middle school. Sure it's a nice memory but would you really have her back then or bang her now that she's grown up, sexually experienced and has a great rack? Just like there's no comparison between doing it with your old middle school crush in sixth grade when she was experimenting and banging her now that she's your girlfriend, there is no way that anyone could say that Panzer Division Marduk is better than the more mature and experienced Wormwood. This album has a great rack.

There are still plenty of fast blasting parts, but Wormwood is more than just another Marduk blastathon. It's about subtlety and discretion which makes the fast parts just seem that much faster. Mortuus is truly the best thing that ever happened to Marduk since he was able to turn them into a real three-dimensional band. What began on ROM 5:12 is continued here and if you liked what they did back in 2007, then its safe to say that you'll like Wormwood. Then again, if you didn't like their last album, then I'd have to wonder why exactly you're listening to black metal in the first place.

And lets not forget the atmosphere. There is so much evil coming out of this album, even the faster tracks like Into Utter Madness and Nowhere, No-One, Nothing have a sinister vibe to them that the Marduk of old was unable to articulate. This album is high-octane nightmare fuel of the highest quality and I find it genuinely uncomfortable to listen to (in a good way). If you're going to listen to one Scandinavian black metal album this year, then Wormwood is exactly what you need.

9/10

New Epica Video Online

If I could be tormented by any stalker, Simone Simons is pretty high on the list. The glowing eyes only make her that much hotter.

Vote for the next Megadeth Single!

Go to the official forums on Megadeth.com and VOTE NOW for the next single. Poll closes Monday

Immortal - All Shall Fall

This album is nearly impossible to review. The expectations were simply to high for me to praise it given that its been seven years since their last album combined with the sheer amount of awesome that their previous discography has. No matter what they came up with, this album was going to suck. On the other hand, its Immortal, it's produced by Peter Tagtgren, and this is still one of the most anticipated albums of the year. No matter what they came up with, this album was going to rule.

So here we have All Shall Fall. It takes a long time to sink in simply because albums like albums like Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism and At the Heart of Winter are so legendary. So while it'll forever be kept in the shadow of past works, this is still a keeper.

So yes, it's still Immortal and by that I mean it still sounds like Immortal. That's still a good thing since Immortal's sound is hardly dated. But it's also safe. There are so many fewer risks taken on here than there were on a album like Pure Holocaust or Blizzard Beasts and I can't help but feel that Immortal were intentionally playing it safe to avoid alienating their fans. While I'm personally not alienated by this in any way and I'm certain to enjoy the new material in a live setting, it's still somewhat upsetting to hear that they didn't provide much experimentation.

Don't get me wrong. It's still worth buying and definitely grows on you with a few listens. It just isn't the groundbreaking and career defining moment that everyone expected it to be. If a band who wasn't Immortal made the same album, I'd probably rank them higher than I'm doing here. I knew going in that I was going to be let down no matter what but I was still surprised at how good this album is. Is it one of the best albums of the year? No but it is certainly a sold release from one of the greatest black metal bands of all time.

7/10

Susperia finally release new video

I'll take it as Athera is finally fully recovered. And the actual video is quite cool. Wait for the end.

Five Finger Death Punch - War is the Answer

The new Immortal is taking way longer to sink in than I thought. It's totally a grower. So that means that I'll keep myself occupied by writing a review of the new Five Finger Death Punch album since I need something to keep myself occupied with (which I sadly purchased sine it was released a few days ago). What better than something horrible with which to remind myself that this is still supposed to be a funny blog?

I'll be the first person to state that this is not metal. It's post-grunge that happens to market itself as metal since post-grunge like Creed and Godsmack is no longer commercially viable. Now throw in some minor nu metal influences and you have an album that you heard several other bands make in 1999.

The fact that this is marketed as a combination of groove metal and metalcore is an insult to my intelligence. There are no traces of either. It's a bait and switch scheme that you're falling for if you like them and given this band's success, they're clearly selling albums to actual fans rather than just snarky bloggers making ironic purchases.

You have everything that makes for a shitty album here. Cheesy lyrics about punching people in the face? Check. Dated musical ideas that today's fifteen-year-olds don't remember? Check. Needless profanity to connect with my angsty thirteen-year-old self? Check. Guitar solos to make it seem like this somehow isn't just some 90s radio rock bullshit? Check.

When your singer even uses an outdated singing style that connects him with one of many faceless and forgotten bands from yesteryear, you suck. There is nothing original about this band at all except for trying to not be trendy by following dead trends to pretend that you're something new. Thankfully, I have a better memory than a goldfish.

This band is truly, honestly in it for the money and it's clear that they're the biggest get rich quick scheme in all of metal. I'd rather drink a six pack of Tecate than give this a second listen. At least this CD can be used for skeet shooting.

1/10

Interview with Carmine Laietta V of Hull

One thing that can truly be said about Hull is that they're truly chill guys. I have nothing but respect for this band and wish them the best. Lead guitarist Carmine Laitetta V (I have no fucking idea what the V stands for) was cool enough to do an interview. Thankfully, I'm cool enough to post it.

UPB: What's it like to tour in a band that shares a name with the guitarists of one of your tourmate's non-touring projects?

Carmine: It sucks. But not because of Scott's name, just because ever time I say, "I'm in Hull" the people's response is always, "You're in Hole." And I say... "Yes, dick."

UPB: Now that you're signed to The End, what's the next step careerwise? Are there any bigger tours planned for the near future?

C: Yes, put our next album and make it more massive than out debut, and everything else out there while we're at it.

UPB: I notice your Yob shirt. There's a restaurant west of here on Belmont called Kuma's that has a burger named after them. You plan on checking them out tomorrow morning?

C: Hopefully! Although I did make some plans with a close old friend that we're sleeping with.

UPB: Are you ever planning on sticking a comb in your afro since everyone else today is walking around like that?

C: I own a pick with a fist. Need I say more?

UPB: Stoner metal is finally catching on due to the success of High on Fire and to a lesser extent, Red Fang. Do you feel that you might finally be the band that breaks the genre into the mainstream?

C: I don't count on it. I just try to write the best music I can. Keep challenging myself and the band. Hopefuly we find an appropriate audience. So far, so good though!

UPB: As the decade comes to a close, what do you think will be the next big metal trend for the 2010s?

C: I have no idea... We played with a band of youngsters the other night and they were clearly influenced by garbage like Attack Attack! That seems to be the newest trend now and I wnat nothing to do with it.

UPB: Have you started writing your next album yet?

C: Yes. You'll hear some shit soon.

UPB: What's your most interesting tour story so far?

C: My bass player and I got robbed at gunpoint in Cincinnati this past Sunday. Actually, 3 gunpoints! They took our phones, wallets and my camera that I was documenting the tour with. Sucks but I'm still walking around, breathing, with blood still pumping through my dick. I guess that's what really matters.

UPB: When do you plan to return to Chicago?

C: Very soon. I like this place but after we play tonight, we'll see if Chicago is still standing!

New Arch Enemy track posted

The new version of Bury Me an Angel is now posted online. and yes, it does have that horrible sterile guitar tone. Andy Sneap now joins Greg Fidleman and Andrew Scheps (you know, the guys who ruined Death Magnetic by mixing out the bass and then compressing the fuck out of everything else) when it comes to mixing room guys who need to be punched in the face. It takes a lot for me to say this since I do like Sabbat, but seriously, this production just lacks the teeth of other Arch Enemy albums.

And if you live in Asia or Australia, they are planning a tour for the Far East (with a Belgium date thrown into the Asia dates for some reason).

Oct 9 2009 8:00P	DK Gorbunova, Moscow (Russia)	Moscow
Oct 10 2009 8:00P	Mass Deathtruction Festival @ Ferme du Biéreau	Louvain-la-Neuve
Oct 17 2009 8:00P	LOUD PARK 09 @ Makuhari Messe, Tokyo (Japan)	Tokyo, Chiba
Oct 18 2009 8:00P	Liberty Square - Taipei (Taiwan)	Taipei
Oct 20 2009 8:00P	World Trade Center - Manila (Philippines)	Manila
Oct 21 2009 8:00P	Hitec Auditorium - Kowloon (Hong Kong)	Kowloon (Hong Kong)
Oct 23 2009 8:00P	The Star Live House - Beijing (China)	Beijing (China)
Oct 25 2009 8:00P	Seoul Ax, Seoul (Republic Of Korea)	Seoul
Oct 28 2009 8:00P	Senayan Tennis Indoor Stadium, Jakarta (indonesia)	Jakarta
Nov 1 2009 8:00P	Capitol, Perth (Australia)	Perth
Nov 3 2009 8:00P	Fowlers Live, Adelaide (Australia)	Adelaide
Nov 5 2009 8:00P	The Forum, Melbourne (Australia)	Melbourne
Nov 6 2009 8:00P	The Roundhouse, Sydney (Australia)	Sydney
Nov 7 2009 8:00P	The Hifi, Brisbane (Australia)	Brisbane
Nov 10 2009 8:00P	Transmission Room – Auckland (New Zealand)	Auckland

What surprises me is that they aren't doing any dates for Osaka or Sapporo. Loud Park is a big festival but by all accounts, this band is huge in Japan. What's even more shocking is that there are only two Chinese dates (Hong Kong and Beijing) when it's a country of over one billion. I'd think that they'd at least throw Shanghai or Macau in there for the Chinese market. And then they skip over Thailand completely. But at least they won't skip Chicago the next time that they come to the North America.

Samael no Longer on Moonspell tour

Sucks if you actually bought tickets for this. They're replaced by Divine Heresy.

Five Finger Death Punch Gut Walrus. Find Zoltan

They found the guy.

Have You Seen This Man?

Zoltan Bathory of Five Finger Death Punch has gone missing. He was last seen drinking with fans in Las Vegas. If you've seen this man, please notify the FBI.

Anyway, Let's talk about what may have happened to this guy.

Theory 1: Spontaneous human Combustion

He was drinking. Alcohol is flammable. It's very possible that his body may have set itself on fire. Of course, if this happened, then all that my be left is his skull. It's scary to think about, I know, but spontaneous combustion could happen to you.

What to do if you spontaneously combust?

Stop, drop and roll

Get in some water

Cryogenically freeze yourself


2. Ninjas

If this man is never found, then its safe to say that the ninjas got him. Ninjas leave no trace of themselves. They're masters of disguise who nobody alive today has claimed to see. The ninja threat is real. They're everywhere and are behind the disappearance of your socks. If they can make one sock out of a pair disappear once you put it in the washer, then abducting a human is no problem for them.


3. Alien Abduction
If this happened, then he's probably very, very far away now. On the plus side, he gets to see some really cool things that we'd never encounter on Earth and if he dies on their planet it'll probably be like this:





4. Eaten by a Walrus



The most likely scenario. The man eating walrus is native to the Las Vegas area and is known to have a taste for human flesh. If he is not found within one week, then it's common practice for the stool of any and all walruses to be inspected for human remains. Hopefully it didn't come to this most agonizing and traumatic death.